Green Girl Gardener

This post would’ve been very different had I written it this morning. It’s amazing the difference a day can make to your outlook and positivity.

I told you about my promotion back in September in what I seem to remember was a somewhat upbeat post. Since then I’ve been plugging away, learning my trade, climbing the steepest learning curve I’ve ever been on and, to be frank, it’s flipping hard!

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely made the right choice in pursuing the next step in my career. I was bored, getting highly complacent, far too comfortable and was a couple of droplets of swamp water away from complete stagnation. I did the right thing, but I have days when I doubt myself.

It’s very similar to being single. When I was single I’d have a massive high when I got a message from an attractive member of the opposite sex on Dating Direct, almost immediately followed by a crash back down to earth when he turned out to be a racist/psychopath/raving lunatic/sexist pig/total dingbat (delete as appropriate). That’s what learning to be an Account Manager is like, as is scientifically demonstrated above using empirical, soundly reasoned data (definitely not just nice round numbers plucked from the air to illustrate my point!)

I have days when things are going well, I’ve snuck a couple of inches up that learning curve and my confidence is flying with the birds and I drive home singing along to the Mamma Mia: Here we go again soundtrack at the top of my voice and then, bam! Something happens the next day, I realise I’ve not understood a nuance, or I’m asked to do something I completely don’t understand, or I get an email telling me I’m being unreasonable and should know better and down I crash, bringing my confidence level to ground zero.

This is when I have to overcome the woe is me feeling, regroup, sleep on it, decide what to do about it, and come back fighting. I’m not very good at the flight option, low as my confidence may get, once I’ve beaten myself up for a while, the real me struggles through and I forge on. I may not possess all the positive qualities that I’d like, but I am determined and I am resilient and once I have started on a path, I want to reach my destination, even if it means going round the wrekin to get there. The aim is to get to the green line on the scientific chart. Slightly wobbly to negate complete arrogance, but essentially brimming with confidence.

I won an award at work several years ago. I have to admit that I was only half listening to the presentation speech because it didn’t occur to me that the award might be coming my way, but one word that I did hear used to describe me has stuck with me ever since – stoic. The guy who gave this compliment is certainly not free and easy with his praise which, when it comes, makes it all the more sweet.

Yep, that’s me! I don’t profess to have endured any real hardship in the traditional sense of the word, but yes, I’ve had knock backs at work but I haven’t given up, I haven’t become bitter, I’ve used the ensuing feelings to fuel my way and prove my worth.

The same person also said to me more recently that I’m very good with people and that our customers appreciate that. This was a higher compliment to me than I think it was intended to be. I am not a natural people person. At all! I’ve had to work really hard to learn the skill. Earlier this week I took a return flight to Frankfurt and both ways I had a window seat and nobody immediately next to me. My heart gave a little jump for joy when I heard the captain announce ‘boarding complete, cabin crew prepare for departure’ and realised there were no more potential headspace invaders heading down the aisle in my direction. Excellent, nobody to studiously ignore! Blissful alone time to watch episodes of the Crown uninterrupted by mindless, unnecessary chatter. I’ve watched other people making small talk and they seem to thrive on it. Not me, I’m the classic introvert and I need time alone when I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not.

I’m very lucky to have had excellent support through my life. I’m surrounded by people who have my back, but I wish I could step out of myself and into one of them sometimes to see how they see me. They seem to be under the impression that I could rule the world if I put my mind to it whereas I’m only too aware of my limitations. I’m perfectly capable of ruling my own world, but no woman is an island, and my world can’t exist independently of other worlds which I can’t rule.

I’ve never thought of myself as someone with low confidence, but I realise now that that’s because I’ve never found anything particularly difficult so I’ve never had reason to doubt myself. Surely everyone’s confident about things they’re good at? I’ve never really been out of my comfort zone until now. I sailed through school floating somewhere in the middle where no one really bothers you, college was two years of fun with a bit of work thrown in for good measure and then uni was hard work but still firmly within my comfort zone because fifteen years of education had given me the tools to manage pretty much any educational setting. After that I faffed around with a couple of simple jobs until I ended up with the company I’m still with now, where I continued to faff around until I realised I was pushing forty and that life wasn’t going to give me a leg up, I needed to apply myself. I needed to be proactive. This again isn’t a natural trait of mine. Towards the beginning of my time with my current employer I was made aware that someone had described me as not very proactive – I can’t remember who told me, but I’ve always remembered who said it, and it pops into my head every time I bump into him in the kitchen. I guess home truths cut deeper.

Anyhoo, onwards and upwards. Today was an up on the chart after yesterday was a down. I will continue skywards on my mahoosive learning curve. I will attempt to bolster, no, I WILL bolster my confidence, on the down days I will remember the buzz of the up days, I will be strong and I will do this. I feel like I should burst into a Gloria Gaynor song, but hubby’s asleep next to me so I’ll refrain! As Seven of Nine would say resistance is futile!